Road Trip

It’s about midnight on Saturday, May 11.  It’s been a very draining couple days.  I’ve cried a lot.  It’s the end to a chapter in my life that has been the hardest to live.  It is a chapter that I will read again and again.  However, in the future, I will try to read the underlined parts.  The underlined parts of books are the things that stand out.  Those are where change happens and where lessons are learned.  I said by to some amazing seniors today.  Some of whom I may lose contact and others I will surely see again.  

This class of 20 students has been absolutely amazing.  They’ve experienced things that 17 and 18 year olds should never have to experience.  I got to walk alongside them and live life with them.  It has truly been amazing to see these young people become adults.  Whenever they seem like immature kids, they can really surprise you.  One of these amazing young people gave me a hug and told me that I was brave for coming back after the accident.  It was one of the best compliments I’ve gotten.  

This day, although long and draining, has been great.  Part of that greatness has been driving in a suburban with 6 Millers on the way to Arkansas.  Although loud at times and crazy almost always, I absolutely love this family.  There is no other family I’d love to be squeezed into a car with.  There is never a dull moment.  Between 4 kids yelling and telling jokes to Ron doing his best to get on my nerves, you would think I’d be ready to pull my hair out(or what’s left of it).  Quite the opposite.

I love this family.  I find so much joy in simply being with them.  For me, no words need to be spoken.  I just enjoy their company.  There’s bickering and chairs not being tied down well enough and sunflower seeds everywhere…but it’s life.  It’s family.  It’s a memory that these people will have forever.  It’s messy and fun.  It’s a simple road trip to Arkansas to camp.  I’m sure Ron and Amie cherish it and realize how special it is.  Unfortunately the kids may not realize what a blessing it is yet(maybe they do…hopefully they do).  

Unfortunately, I don’t really have memories like this with my family.  We didn’t go on any family camping trips or random road trips to Colorado.  Being with the Millers makes me realize how important and special things like this can be.  I’m always so thankful to spend time with them because it reminds me that life is short and family is special.  I hope that I can one day take my wife and kids somewhere for some amount of time.  No plans.  No maps.  Just each other.  Living life.  Making memories.  Yee haw. 

42

There’s a scene in the movie ’42′ that took two viewings to break me down.  42 is the story about Jackie Robinson and his struggle being the first African American baseball player.  Now, I’m not saying that I can relate to his struggles as I am a middle class, white male.  What he went through was probably not properly depicted in the film.  The amount of abuse he and his family took is probably unfathomable.  However, there was a scene in particular that really moved me. 

Robinson had finally made his way to the Brooklyn Dodgers.  He had made it.  On this particular day, they were playing the Phillies.  Robinson’s first at bat was one he’d surely like to forget.  The manager for the Phillies stepped out of the dugout and began spitting racial slurs at Robinson.  He did all he could to get under the skin of #42.  The words of the opposing manager had clearly gotten to Robinson because he got out.  The next time he came up to bat, it was the same thing.  The manager was relentless.  This time, 42 hit it straight up.  The ball traveled 200 feet…straight up and didn’t go past the pitcher’s mound.  As he was going back in his dugout, the opposing manager came farther onto the field and continued his slurs.  

Jackie then grabbed a bat and stared the manager down.  Finally, he realizes that if he stays on the field any longer, he is going to go after this guy.  His anger must come out though.  He walks deep into the dugout so as not to be seen and begins swinging the bat against the walls and screaming.  The bat breaks and he falls to the ground, sobbing.  His manager, Branch Ricky, walks up and Robinson is furious.  All he wants is to go fight the opposing manager.  

Ricky tells him that he can’t.  That people are counting on him.  People have invested in him.  If he gives in to the enemy, all their work and trust will be broken.  Jackie doesn’t know what to do.  His manager tells him he can hit.  He can get on base and score.  Those are the things he can do.  Robinson, still in tears, leans against the wall seemingly defeated.  In order to encourage his friend, Ricky puts his arms around Robinson giving him a hug.  It was a simple act, but it showed Robinson he was loved.  

As I watched this scene unfold, it reminded me of the times I’ve felt beaten up this year.  There have been plenty of them.  Sometimes it feels like more than the happy times.  However, God has always put someone in my day to encourage me.  Always.  When I can’t seem to work things out with facts or answers, God shows me He’s bigger than that.  More often than not, my buddy Clete has been the one hugging me and encouraging me.  He reminds me that today is just today and that feelings are fleeting.  He reminds me that he loves me.  That others love me.  But, more importantly, God loves me more.  This is his constant truth.  God loves me more.  

Not the same…

What I think and what’s happening are not the same.  There’s a song that I’ve listened to over the past couple weeks.  The lyrics isn’t verbatim, but that’s the gist of it.  The song is about this realization that life is full of experiences.  Some of them are good.  Some of them are bad.  Life, as is the saying, is a roller coaster; full of ups and downs.  Life can throw circumstances at us that can make us THINK that everything is bad and will stay bad.  However, our circumstances may influence our thoughts, but they are not necessarily real life.  The song is titled “Faith”. 

There have been plenty of times in my life when I’ve felt like life has knocked me down.  Times when I’ve felt like there was no way God could change my situation.  A lot of people would agree that life is a story.  Everyone has a different story.  God is a masterful author.  Plot twists and character development all point to an amazing Creator.  Last week, I was reminded by my buddy Danny that things that happen in my life are not my story…at least, not my whole story.  They are chapters in this story God is writing.  

Another line in the song brings some good closure to this story.  It sums up how God is sovereign and knows exactly what He’s doing.  There’s a verse in Romans that says that God works for the good of those who love Him.  As my life continues to unravel, as the pages turn, I’m seeing more and more that that’s true.  The end of the song goes as follows: “Ooo and all this time you were saving me.”  That’s what the Father has been doing.  He’s been saving me.  He’s been loving me.  He’s been allowing growth towards Him.  

Wrap it up

Wrapping paper, to me, brings about so much emotion.  Yes.  Wrapping paper.  Think about it.  When you see wrapping paper, you immediately think of the possibilities that could be concealed within the wrapping paper.  Is it a new car?  Is it a modulator?  You can’t know until you actually rip open the paper and open the box to see what’s inside.    Ultimately, it’s not the wrapping paper that we care about.  The gift is our main concern.  

We’ve all had an experience getting something that is truly unexpected.  Sometimes this is a bad thing and sometimes it’s a very good thing.  I think part of the enjoyment comes from the person who is the giver.  Watching someone receive a gift that you put so much thought into getting.  And receiving something undeserved, that is good, is one of the greatest gifts.

I was able to experience this yesterday.  A friend of mine, Clete, had gotten a longboard for tutor appreciation.  While I was happy for him, I was also a little jealous because I was wanting a longboard for tutor appreciation as well.  After a bit of whining, I decided that I was either going to wait until next year to get one or that I would simply purchase one myself.  

I had just gotten to my last class of the day, when all of a sudden Clete walked in with a long box wrapped in newspaper.  I had an idea as to what it was, but I tried not to get my hopes up.  My suspicions were confirmed once I opened the box.  Clete had gotten me a longboard for no other reason than I wanted one and he wanted to get it for me.  

It reminded me a lot of God’s grace.  I did absolutely nothing to deserve to have Clete buy this thing for me.  However, it was a good gift that was undeserved.  Grace is something that can not be earned.  No matter how good I am, I can’t earn more of God’s grace.  He is a good God who does good things simply because He is good.  His free gift is a reminder of the fact that I am loved.  Dominate. 

 

My recollection part 1

I woke up not having any idea where I was or what had happened.  My head hurt and all I could see in front of me was a broken windshield.  I turned behind me and saw someone but I didn’t know who they were.  I remember that I was still buckled in and so I unbuckled myself.  At this point, I knew I needed to get out of the vehicle.  As images became clearer, I realized I wasn’t alone.  I saw some lights and I saw other people around.  I’m not sure why, but I knew these other people were there to harm me.  Reluctantly, I whispered for help.  I couldn’t do much more than whisper, but thankfully someone was close and heard me stirring.  Before he helped me out of the vehicle, I realized that I was in the driver’s seat.  Who put me there?  

This man opened the door for me and noticed that my head was cut pretty badly.  I noticed someone behind the vehicle on the ground rolling around and moaning.  We walk past someone on the ground.  The man told me the person on the ground was ok but in shock.  He led me to another boy, Colbie, who was awake and talking but unable to move.  I sat next to Colbie and asked him how he was.  At this point, I’m bloody, have no shoes on, no idea where I am or what happened, and am now at the mercy of these other people who are around.  

When I sit, I realize there is someone with Colbie.  I ask him what happened.  He told me not to worry.  That whatever had happened had happened and there was nothing I could do about it.  I remember that this confused me terribly.  Why would he say something like that?  Finally, a paramedic came over and checked my head and said I needed staples.  He also said that I’d be getting into an ambulance with Colbie.  I saw someone’s phone on the ground that I knew wasn’t mine, but I didn’t know where mine was so I grabbed it.  

I knew I needed to text someone: AJ Perea.  At this point, I begin shaking uncontrollably.  I remember driving a vehicle.  I kind of remember waking up as we were running off the road.  I text AJ and tell him that we had been in an accident.  That we were heading to the emergency room.  I didn’t know any details.  

Finally, after realizing Colbie and I were OK, I asked what had happened.  There was absolutely nothing that could prepare for what the paramedic said next.  I will probably never forget his words.  I can still hear them like someone put them in my head and locked them up so that I will never forget them.  He said, “I’m going to tell you right now, two people are dead.”  I almost couldn’t believe him.  I had no idea how to respond.  I sat thinking about who they could be and why I wasn’t one of them.  

I then realized what had happened.  I was driving this vehicle that had wrecked.  Everyone had fallen asleep.  It was sometime after 1:00 AM.  I had fallen asleep as well.  I remember running off the road and overcorrecting.  I had caused this accident.  Apparently, the vehicle had flipped several times.  Why wasn’t I one of he ones who died?  Was anyone else involved? 

 

New Ink

So, yesterday I decided to finally get my third tattoo.  I have been contemplating getting it for a few months now and I thought I’d finally take the plunge and get it.  I got it in a sensitive area, just on the inside of my right arm.  It was pretty painful, but I’m very satisfied with it.  Getting this tat was cool for a couple different reasons.  

The guy who was working on it questioned me about it.  I’m not sure if he is a believer or not, but it was a cool experience to get to share with this guy why I wanted this tattoo.  I told him it was in honor of two amazing boys who died in a car accident.  That these boys went to the school where I work.  That they were two of the coolest kids I never got to know.  I got to relive the past 7 months and it was healing in a way. 

I told him what happened.  He stood listening to me in awe as the story unfolded.  I let him know that it has been a painful 7 months.  But I also let him know how good God has been in these months.  I let him know that the Carrigans and Ms. Henson were so quick to encourage and forgive.  I let him know how healing it was to know that I was forgiven.  That I’ve gotten to be a part of the Carrigan family.  I also told him about my cancer and the surgery.  After I had finished my story, he had tears in his eyes and exclaimed, “Praise God.”  Again, I don’t know if he was a believer or not, but it was so sweet to share my story with him.

Secondly, as I was sharing my story I realized how good God really has been these past few months.  I’ve realized how sovereign he is.  How He’s been in control and how He’s been so good to me.  It was a story I found encouragement in and even more so that it was the story God had for me.  

I’ve realized that sometimes life is hard.  Andy Gullahorn has a song entitled “Resurrection” and in the chorus he sings, “Oh I believe, though it’s hard sometimes, You are the Resurrection and the Life.”  This is my story right now.  I believe You are the Life, even though it’s hard sometimes.  Thankful God can speak even through tragedy and pain.  

Partake

“I do all things for the sake of the gospel, so that I may become a fellow partaker of it.”  As I read this verse before the sun came up this morning, I found myself questioning if this statement is true in my life.  Is everything I do an attempt at the advancement of the Kingdom?  Is Christ at the forefront of my thoughts and actions?  And if He’s not, how much am I missing out on?

Many times throughout the day, I have a chance to be a partaker in the gospel but I choose not to partake.  Why do easy choices have to be the ones that are not always representative of the gospel?  It’s so much easier to be selfish or prideful or lazy and allow the world to creep in and change my perspective.  I forget that Christ is at the center; not me, not Clete Seyle, not Mark Slavik.  Christ.  

Today my prayer is that I keep Christ in all my actions and thoughts.  That everything I do today would be for the sake of the gospel.  This prayer scares me because I want to be lazy.  But walking in the light is so much sweeter than hanging out in the dark.  I love reading the Word in the morning and having God speak to me.  I highly recommend doing it.